The Chronicles of Alex

“We had completely opposed values and goals. She wasn’t willing to compromise or listen.”

“He was abusive and selfish.”

“It wasn’t going anywhere long-term.”

“I’ve tried and tried, but nothing I say seems to get through. I’m over it.” 

I’ve heard a lot about breakups over the past year and a half. Many had been thinking about it for months or knew it was coming, just unable to accept what must be done. With this decision being so difficult and, honestly, quite time consuming, I couldn’t help but wonder, how do people move on so easily? Maybe that’s a superfluous way to put it, but I see men and women just moving on after a relationship like it didn’t matter at all. Taking a week or two or a month or two to jump into dating or hooking up with people again. 

I constantly see people flirting with ugly people to feel better about themselves, serial date, or hook-up with people once and never think about them again (guilty). Then there’s the other end of the spectrum that shuts down any and every thought of the person they loved; they can’t look at or talk about a person that’s gone. Though, I tend to find myself shedding a few tears before I go to sleep every now and again or share a fond memory when it’s appropriate. So, I’ve wondered for the past 342 days how people wrap their heads around the abstract concept of “moving on.” What does that even mean? How are you supposed to focus on yourself when someone just shattered your heart with direct or indirect answers? Sure, cheating, abuse of any nature, or blatant disrespect are a lot easier to rationalize, since they are concrete things that show how someone doesn’t value you. Those actions indicate the type of person that person was not their partner, but what happens when your partner doesn’t have answers or claims to love and want to be with you yet leaves and proceeds to spread lies?

I don’t have the perfect answer on how to move on in these situations… I am not the girl for that kind of advice, but I can give my best insights. 

I have been told to “just forget”, to think about how badly I was treated when it ended, how I was “too good” for him, to focus on me, to just let go, and many friends going to striaght up calling him ugly. These, um, solutions attempt to erase what was or make a person feel better by putting someone else down, which aren’t ways to focus on yourself in my opinion. I believe they also discount how one valued themselves prior to the breakup. As a confident person, it drives me up a wall when I’m told to focus on myself. That’s all I do! How do you think I survive? 

Hating or shaming a person you deeply cared about seems wrong. Focusing on myself means throwing myself into my hobbies and movement or looking towards plans in the future, or at the very least being present with people throughout the day; otherwise, my OCD will spiral out of control, and I will try to fix what was broken (incessantly). Distraction has a place in the moving on universe! There are times and places to sit with and process emotions, and it is important to know yourself to help manage this.

Processing a breakup and grieving that loss is a jerky, emotional wooden coaster that leaves you with whiplash after the 50 second ride. There is sadness, bittersweet moments, happiness, a bit of acceptance, numbness, and lots of anger. I believe the most important part of this whole process is doing it on YOUR OWN timeline – stop listening to your friends and family about where you are supposed to be or what you’re supposed to do. Friends trying to give advice admittedly made moving on much harder, personally. Attempting to express emotions and feelings repeatedly that just weren’t being understood SUCKED; maybe it just wasn’t being said in the right way. 

All that matters is how you work through losing someone you loved and saw a future with. So, I guess that’s where giving myself closure comes in – the stupidest concept I’ve ever had to learn. I like solid answers, not “I don’t know” or “I decided and will not tell you anymore. I am emotionally detaching.” WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? I still don’t know, maybe one of you do. BUT that’s what brings me to what propelled my moving on. 

Opening my eyes to the situation at hand was necessary, looking at the facts with no emotional lenses on. I finally accepted the ghosting, lack of accountability, and lies told to others yet nothing said to me as all I needed from them; an apology would always be nice though. Sure, I struggle with the emotional aftermath of their actions but not the person. I just wanted to get over it by myself after a certain point, because I wasn’t going to get closure from the only person who I thought could give it to me.

I couldn’t throw myself into dating like others, hook ups really weren’t helpful, so I chose hobbies and the future. After all, seasons change, so do cities; people come into your life and people go. But it’s comforting to know that the ones you love are always in your heart. And if you’re lucky, a plane ride away. With that, I begrudgingly hope he is doing well and hold love in my heart for a person who once was a special person in my life. Though, I love myself more than ever again now and know many people who have come into my life are just a plane ride away.

Ugh. Heartbreak sucks and moving on is hard. I could have ended this post there at the very beginning.