The Chronicles of Alex

To all the boys I’ve loved before,

This isn’t like the movie or maybe it is… Honestly, I’ve only seen it once, and that was a few years ago at this point. I haven’t written each of you a letter. Some of you have gotten letters but not nearly all. Some of you I thanked God for showing me what I don’t need or want. Some of you I cherished. A few of you were comfortable for the time, but we both knew it wasn’t going to last from the start. One or two of you I loved. 

You each saw me at a different point in time. Sometimes, you meet people and aren’t in a spot to be in a relationship; I think there is some kind of divine reason you meet people at certain times. Now that I’m looking back on everything, I can see each of you reflected parts of me I was struggling to see. You all have been mirrors. Maybe that’s stupid, but this is my letter. 

Over time, I got better at communicating. I told you when I needed space and my hard boundaries when breaking things off. Sometimes these were respected and other times not. I don’t fault anyone for that. I don’t blame you for being upset when I explained to you why I needed space, and you wanted to be there for me. I gave you concrete reasons why this was not a viable thing at the time and the reasons why I process the way I do. It is hard for me to let people in, especially when I don’t see a future with you. That’s why I have ended things in the past. Relationships are sacred for me, and I didn’t see you as something worth worshipping. 

Other times, I’ve had no choice in the decision to end things or it was mutual, both coming with their own set of difficulties to work through.

I wouldn’t change meeting any of you despite hoping I never see most of you again. I wish I could thank some of you, because you made parts of me stronger. That comes with years of hindsight. You made me grow. You’ve each taught me different lessons. Some taught me strength through overcoming. Some showed me grace in going with the flow. Others showed me kindness in big hugs. Many showed me two people are messy together. Most taught me to not fight for love, which goes against everything I thought it was. All of you have showed me there is power in letting go. To just let go. I don’t have to burn the bridge, but I always do. 

I’m not sure if anyone thought this was where a supposed love letter was going, but I’m getting there. 

I’ve seen people fight for love my entire life. I saw imperfect people make mistakes and stumble in love. The movies are always playing out fighting for love at some point, whether it was an easy love, hot and heavy, or a mess from the get go. I have only ever seen people make things work, because they believe in what they have and the love they hold for another. Plenty of marriages have ended around me as well, but usually due to something that was well beyond repair. I have only ever been shown how to give up on love in my personal relationships – that it isn’t worth what you’ve built with your best friend. I find that tragic and confusing. People are scared and living for the first time and have lived completely different lives than I have. All the boys I’ve loved before are scarred from prior relationships just like me or anyone.

My life isn’t a movie and plenty of rom-coms are tragic, but there is always some lesson in there. I’ve really struggled to find any lesson in my high school and college relationships until now. I just need to let go. Let go of more than just the memories and love for someone; it’s much deeper than that for me. To let go of control without becoming a doormat or complacent. I know what I want inside and outside of a relationship and how I should be treated and treat others, but I’ve never quite been able to let go once it’s over. People carry their care and process in different ways when things end, and I think I should just take a page out of the book written by all the boys I’ve loved before and let go like they’ve taught me. 

You have been some of the goofiest, annoying, loving and caring, rage inducing group of boys, young men, and gentlemen. I find that kind of cool.

With all of that, boys, I thank you. For the laughs we shared, silly pictures you let me take, probably entertaining some niche interest conversation, most likely making some silly drunk stories, listening to country music, and being a part of my story. You’ve taught me a lot and set a bar that will not be easy to overcome. I’m working on the not burning bridges thing… To none of your shock, I have not succeeded at that one yet. That is quite hard for me as I don’t see the point in keeping a bridge with the way you’ve acted or what you’ve chosen to say to me, but I try not to think about it and promise I am working on it.

My friends and children will not know all your names, but there are a few I will be ready to share one day. Share the wonderful adventure we had. I will make sure my children know I was loved and all the memories I have made. Everyone must learn, but I’ll try to ensure they don’t make some of the same mistakes we’ve made. 

With love of varying depths, hugs, and immense gratitude,

Alex/Alexandra/Goob